I’m in My 40s, and I’m Finally Giving Myself Permission to Want More

This morning, I was sitting with my coffee doing absolutely nothing.

And I mean nothing.

No laptop open. No phone in my hand. No list of things I needed to get done staring back at me.

Just me, my coffee, and a few quiet minutes.

If you know me, you know sitting still isn't always my thing. My mind is usually somewhere between what I need to do today, what I forgot to do yesterday, and the seventeen ideas I suddenly think I need to start tomorrow.

But this morning was different.

I started thinking about my life.

Not in some deep, dramatic, let me stare out the window while sad music plays kind of way.

I just had this random thought:

I don't want the same things I used to want.

And for the first time, I didn't immediately try to talk myself out of it.

I Used to Think I Needed to Have It All Figured Out

When I was younger, I thought by the time I reached my 40s I would have arrived.

Where?

I have no idea. 😂

But apparently there was supposed to be some magical destination where everything was figured out.

Career figured out.

Money figured out.

Relationships figured out.

Life figured out.

You turn 40 and somebody hands you a folder that says, Congratulations, you finally know what you're doing.

I'm still waiting on mine.

What I actually discovered is that my 40s have brought me more questions.

The difference is that I'm finally asking better ones.

Instead of constantly asking, What am I supposed to be doing?

I'm starting to ask:

What do I actually want?

Those are two completely different questions.

My Definition of a Good Life Has Changed

There was a time when I thought more automatically meant better.

More money.

More work.

More opportunities.

More accomplishments.

More things to show for all the work I was doing.

Now?

Some mornings I just want to drink my coffee while it's still hot.

That's growth right there.

Anybody who stays busy knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm starting to appreciate quiet mornings. Comfortable clothes. Good conversations. Laughing until my stomach hurts. Creating something because I actually enjoy creating it.

I'm learning that peace doesn't have to be boring.

And being busy doesn't automatically mean I'm accomplishing something meaningful.

Sometimes being busy just means...

I'm tired.

I’m Becoming More Protective of My Time

My time feels different to me now.

Maybe that's one of those things nobody can really explain to you when you're younger.

At 25, ten years sounds like forever.

In your 40s, you know better.

Ten years can disappear.

So I'm paying more attention to where my time goes and, more importantly, who gets it.

I don't want to spend hours arguing about things that won't matter next week.

I don't want to force relationships that only work when I'm doing all the work.

I don't want to keep saying yes when everything in me wants to say no.

And I don't want to feel guilty every time I choose myself.

I'm still working on that last one.

Some Things Just Don't Fit Anymore

Have you ever pulled something out of your closet that you used to LOVE?

You put it on and immediately think:

Yeah...no.

Nothing is technically wrong with it.

It just doesn't fit you anymore.

That's how some parts of life feel to me now.

Certain expectations.

Certain relationships.

Certain definitions of success.

Certain things I thought I had to prove.

They belonged to another version of me.

And I'm realizing I don't have to squeeze myself back into them just because they once fit.

I Don't Think I'm Starting Over

People love saying, “It's never too late to start over.”

I understand what they mean, but I don't really feel like I'm starting over.

I'm not starting from nothing.

I'm bringing everything with me.

The mistakes.

The lessons.

The embarrassing decisions I will absolutely pretend never happened.

The wins.

The losses.

The times I should've listened to myself and didn't.

The times I took a chance and surprised myself.

All of that came with me into my 40s.

So maybe I'm not starting over.

Maybe I'm just editing.

Keeping what works.

Deleting what doesn't.

Adding some new things.

And rewriting a few parts that never sounded like me in the first place.

And Yes, I Still Want More

Here's the funny part.

Getting older hasn't made me want less out of life.

I still want more.

I just define more differently now.

I want more experiences.

More creativity.

More mornings when I don't wake up already stressed.

More people around me who genuinely make me feel good.

More opportunities to do work I'm proud of.

More spontaneous laughter.

More moments when I can put my phone down, look around, and think, This is actually nice.

I want money too. Let's not get ridiculous.

My coffee and peace still have bills.

But I don't want success at the expense of actually enjoying my life.

Maybe This Is What My 40s Are Really About

My coffee was almost gone by the time I came to this conclusion.

I don't need to have everything figured out.

That's it.

That's the big revelation.

I can decide something isn't working anymore.

I can change my mind.

I can want something completely different next year.

I can outgrow something without pretending it was always terrible.

I can appreciate who I used to be while admitting I don't want to be her anymore.

And I don't need everybody to understand every decision I make.

Maybe my 40s aren't about finally having all the answers.

Maybe they're about finally being comfortable enough to ask myself the questions I was too busy—or too afraid—to ask before.

Am I happy?

Do I still want this?

Does this life actually feel like mine?

And when the answer is no, maybe I don't need to panic.

Maybe I just need another cup of coffee...

and permission to choose again.